30 April 2010

Seacrest Out!

I was at a party last night and the subject matter of bleaching one's butthole came up (fortunately it was not a dinner party or something else would have come up - namely my lunch). Being a bit behind the butthole cosmetics curve I had to have this explained to me. As one hipster put it, a butthole bleaching "is like getting your teeth whitened, except instead of your teeth you're getting the part where the sun don't shine whitened." Another chick chimed in that "The procedure is nicknamed the 'Seacrest'" after the American Idol host who apparently has his anus whitened every six to eight weeks.

Hearing this, several questions popped into my mind. First of all 'How often does one have their anus seen by someone else?' Seems to me if its more than twice a week, you might want to consider a career change. Secondly, who first came up with this idea? The patient or the doctor or the patient's significant other? And how was that conversation started, "Gee honey, your asshole sure is quite black..." And the third question, 'If you bent over, spread your buttcheeks and raised your hiney toward the skies, wouldn't in fact the sun shine there?'

But the most important question is, of course, "What is Rockism's take on this subject matter?" After more thought than the matter deserves, I came to the conclusion that as a Rockist I think anyone who needs their asshole whitened to make them a happier person is a frickin' mental case. My advice to those people is, if you wanna feel better about yourself, then take that money you were gonna spend on a 'Seacrest' and use it to feed a starving village in Africa or donate it to handicapped kids or something. It may not whiten and brighten your asshole, but it will certainly brighten your heart.
Speaking of assholes, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that one of the worst things about growing old is that I am starting to get hair growing out of all kinds of weird orifices of my body. Its growing out my nose, out my ears, and yes, even out of my ass. Why the hell do I have hair growing out of my ass?!? Isn’t the purpose of hair supposed to be to protect the body from extreme cold (or fromsun rays)? So why then do I have hair growing out of my ass? Really, what are the chances that my anus is going to get a sunburn? So I’m confused as to what to do with all of this extra hair that is sprouting out all over me. Do I pluck it? Do I shave it? Do I just let it grow? Anyone have any suggestions?


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